Follow the Leader

Me and God are playing follow the leader. Today he keeps leading me to thoughts and I ponder them. And question him. My mind goes to thoughts that are maybe a lil "out of the box", maybe "raw", maybe "too honest", a lil ugly and controversial.
God, you want me to make my ponderings public??
I sense a smiling, "now you are catching on, girl. I lead. You follow"
So here it is. My musings. My a fore mentioned "book".

Before I got settled into my sewing room I walked outside to get my mail.
Just one envelope and a copy of the local newspaper. One of the front page titles grabs my attention. A picture of a man facing similar charges as my husband had. I throw the paper down and start sewing. Something makes me pick up the paper and read on. Suddenly I realize it is a man I know of.
A front page picture. Details of the crime. My heart goes out to the family. Oh, the shame of that front page story. My gut wrenches. That comes a little too close to home. The man faces 9 1/2 to 19 years in prison and a lifetime as a registered sex offender. Much too close to home.
A maybe-not-well-known-fact; Matt also faces a lifetime as a registered sex offender. This means things like not being allowed around schools, parks, play grounds, or basically anywhere children might happen to be. It also means he probably won't be allowed to live with anyone under the age of 18.
The irony.
The tragedy.
He has a four year old boy at home waiting for this far off day when he is 6 and his daddy will be able to come home.
What is going to happen? What are we doing to change this? Is there anything we can do to change this? These are frantic questions that come to my mind.
Right now ( and for the past 3 years) I don't have the energy or the resources (a.k.a. funds) or mental strength to pursue answers to these questions. I can hardly handle the thought of it.
So I'm just trusting God. Trusting him to work in a way that only he can. I feel like Moses caught between the sea and an angry army, Daniel falling into the lions' den, Abraham taking his son up the mountain. Surely they were all thinking, 'okay God, here is your big moment. This goes beyond all human reasoning. And I'm really counting on you to come through for me some how here.'
So that is where Matt and I are at right now. We are waiting for the lions mouths to close, the ram to appear out of the brush, the sea to part. Or whatever the particular solution God has for our scenario. We keep reminding ourselves that God allowed all this to happen for a reason. he must've seen two rebellious, lost kids and said I want to get your attention. And I want to use you to show me to others and I have bigger things for you.
Some days we wonder what these bigger things are.
Some days we are standing by the sea, nervously tapping our feet watching the army closing in.
But I think this may be one of the things I felt God's smiling encouragment on;
"tell that story, Ang.
You tell them that some how I'll work.
Keep putting your complete trust in me even when you don't know the outcome."


Phew.
Wow.
There you go, God.
Follow the leader.

That was the beginning of my musings.
Oh yeah, there is more.

I was thinking about posting all of that. And then I started slapping myself mentally. Nobody wants to hear you whine about your problems, Angie. And besides there are so many people around you who have very real problems of their own.
And my musings go on...
I have a second cousin who just lost 7 of her 8 kids in a house fire. When I first heard about this I didn't realize it was my second cousin. (Although we are related, I have never even met her.)
Here is the part where it gets ugly. So I read the headline; something like, " 7 die in house fire".
My reaction?
Indifference.
Sort of a 'yeah, yeah we all have our problems, tragedies happen every day' sort of thing.
Yes, I am ashamed to write that.
Then I read a little more and felt a twinge of sympathy. Losing almost all your children at once?
That would be rough.

And that resurfaced a struggle of mine.
I come from a long line of plain mennonite families. there is no such thing as birth control in their world. Every child God gives you is a blessing and you keep having children until God stops giving them to you.
Ever since I was younger I wondered things like;
Why does God want you to have child after child like you are some kind of baby machine?
How can you enjoy life when you are almost constantly pregnant or nursing a baby from the age of 20 to 45?
How can you enjoy your children when you are constantly weary and exhausted?
How can each child feel loved if you are just one of the herd?
And then there is how can parents properly care for each child when there is so many of them?

When Matt and I were first married we wanted to have; him-1-3 kids, me- 3-5.
Exactly how many, we'd work that out as we went. But we agreed that it'd be nice to have them young and have them close. Ideally, we'd have a lil brood of close in age kids and we'd be young, fun, hip parents. We had one and then our dream died at the realization that we'd be separated for at least 5 years. And our little family was made even 'littler'. I had one child but no daddy to go with. We contemplated becoming pregnant quickly before he was sentenced. Then at least there wouldn't be such a big gap between our children. The thought tempted us. It taunted and teased. But we had to agree that intentionally bringing a baby into the world that would not know her father was just not a good idea. To be frank and honest as I have been so far, it made me bitter.
The two things I want most I can't have. My husband and my little dream family. I struggle when couples who had children Sebastian's age go on to have their 2nd and 3rd children. And I still have my one with no one to help me raise him. I tell you all that to maybe help you understand my next brief evil thought toward my 2nd cousin;
Well at least you still have one child (a 3 year old who managed to get out of the house) and one on the way. That is still more than I have! And really, what business do you have, having 8 (or 9) children 11 and under anyway? That is too many to properly care for and appreciate anyway!

I know.
Ouch.
Ugly.
I warned you!
I'm being completely transparent here.
I knew as soon as I thought this it was irrational and wrong.
I went online and read the whole story and looked at the pictures and tried to put myself in the woman's shoes. Again, that gut wrenching feeling. I can't imagine standing there facing your house engulfed in flames realizing your children are in there and there is nothing you can do to save them. The house burnt very quickly and nothing could be done to save them. The writer reported where each body was found in the house. I tried to imagine what my poor 2nd cousin must be going through. Realizing that her children are dying right in front of her eyes must have made her feel oh so sick in the stomach. It must have felt like one giant punch in the gut. Maybe like her world was suddenly spun upside down. Maybe like a rug was yanked out from underneath her. I'm sure her heart physically ached. I'm sure the world stopped. I'm sure she wonders "how can life possibly go on?" I'd imagine for a long time she will grieve intensely.

Some people don't want children
and have them,
Some people want children
and can't have them,
Some people have children
want them
and lose them.

I'm still wondering, searching and shaking my head about that.

When I was considering posting my initial thoughts that could have been entitled More Problems in the Life of Angie, I thought of my facebook friends who might read it. I have friends how have been abandoned by their parents, spouses abandoned by their mates, friends whose parents died at a young age, friends who've lost body parts to cancer, friends who've had stillborn babies or lost children. I could go on and on, my friends who are hurting, facing their own storm or dealing with their thorn in the flesh.
It all turned my heart back to compassion. What good is it if God brings me through my storm and I don't let him use it to make me more caring and compassionate when others are in the middle of their storm?
So there you have it. That's what was going through my head today.
If you would like to read about the stories I made reference to you can find them at; Abraham- Genisis 22, Moses- Exodus 14, Daniel-6:1-24 and the Clouse Family tragedy

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace,
whose mind is stayed on thee:
because he trusteth in thee.
trust ye in the Lord for ever:
for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength:

Isaiah 26:3&4


Please feel free to comment, agree with or dispute anything I said.